If Will Smith hadn’t slapped Chris Rock I wouldn’t have known the Oscars even happened

— Kick Push Kgosi (@MrSkinnyGenes) March 28, 2022

I just got asked to explain a gap in my resume from September 17 to October 4….like I don’t know I was just breathing for a quick second

— sarah (@sarahbellumPA) March 24, 2022

I asked the produce guy if I could try a grape and he said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it

— dr. alien skier (@clichedout) March 5, 2022

Came to my parents house, seen they was cleaning the garage out, i kept driving. I aint sign up for that today lol

— Smitty (@MonteSmiff) March 5, 2022

“you were searched 43 times on Linkedin this week” ok so where’s my job

— Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) March 7, 2022

I have my therapist HOOKED. Time was up and he said he really wanted to hear more 😂😭😭

— The Slap-per (@LukeElliottS) March 11, 2022

y’all be emo with a THICK country accent. like calm down hillbilly eilish

— Quan. (@QuanAmazon) March 12, 2022

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

— Philipp Kostelecky (@CheeseCakePCK) March 14, 2022

sometimes someone is like “I’m a people pleaser 🥺” and it’s like ok the people around you do NOT seem pleased

— Lena Ruth Solow (@lenaruthsolow) March 14, 2022

i judge a book by its cover. pic.twitter.com/IuJjvGMlgM

— hadeel (@charliektcobalt) March 6, 2022

pic.twitter.com/ESC9NxrtC4

— k*lly albr*cht (@kellynotbrecht) March 10, 2022

I’ve had to teach my mum more people skills this morning. She just told me that her colleague at work asked her “why don’t you look happy” and she responded with “do I come here to show my happiness?” LOOOOOL

— SS (@ssozinha__) March 18, 2022

electricity went out and i had a small meltdown at work today pic.twitter.com/C38ie6PNqo

— Pragun Dua (@pragdua) March 15, 2022

catholic school be like "no long hair for boys" meanwhile there is a picture of a boy with long hair for boys in every classroom. And hes like the main boy

— Stevie Dumpling (@plantjoys) March 20, 2022

love watching those lil text dots pop up and disappear in iMessage like yeah baby brainstorm before you speak to me

— rae 💒 (@sstarrgiirll) March 22, 2022

when I’m halfway through watching a movie online and suddenly win a free iPhone 13 pic.twitter.com/aUFuqaQBdu

— A🪡 (@folkeiry) March 19, 2022

i dont use ‘crush’ anymore i call it a passion project

— nothing (@NoEmmeG) March 17, 2022

high school was dark times, my mom paid $60 for me to take the SAT and get a 800

— brandon* (@brndxix) March 23, 2022

I accidentally said “big” instead of “grande” while at starbucks n they took me behind the store n shot me in the leg

— T 🎯 (@CodeineFridge) March 24, 2022